What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You Might Also Like
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”