[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Body by sandwich.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way