[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
just having fun
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.