My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You Might Also Like
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh