[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
this makes me so uncomfortable
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.