I’m a self-made hundredaire
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.