ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life