back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Awesome parenting 😂
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.