angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice