*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
You Might Also Like
You wish you had this many chins.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
scared to check what name she chose
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign