[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam