Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“You’d better run, egg!”