I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
getting groceries
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good