It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.