Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet