The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.