If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
john wicks are toilet candles
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.