I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Friday
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”