me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.