Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
the short answer to this question
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*