velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Love this one 😂🧟
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.