*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.