“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold