colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV