My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.