Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m giving up for Lent.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet