Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
A completely valid reaction tbh
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude