I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I told my vodka about you.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
¯_(ツ)_/¯
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro