*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Eat…
*limbos away from your hug*
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!