Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Not all heroes wear capes.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man