Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.