I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.