[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.