The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Don’t snitch tag.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.