My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.