Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do