Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”