1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha