I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.