Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Single and childfree like Jesus
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Hot Panini is in big trouble
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂