Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
You Might Also Like
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*