The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*