Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
a badder mouse
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die