The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet