If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.