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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.