I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
awkward
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.