“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?