Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I didn’t realize that was an option
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”