Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Aaaa…CHOO!
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
April 1st is the class clown of days.